May. 4th, 2017

robinsnest: (Default)
I am someone prone to escapism (hello I dress up in weird clothes to play with my friends).  And I have a bad habit of binging on something...one time I spent a whole day watching versions of Jane Eyre and reading the book, one time it was Emma...last night I found a copy online of a book series I ADORED when I was in Middle School and High School. I started re-reading it...oops. I realized when I came up for air at 7pm tonight that I had wasted an entire day and I am always left with a weird hangover feeling. Like coming out of an imaginary world and back into my own. I'm SUCH an empath that I get very into whatever I'm watching or reading and walk away with a headache and odd fuzzy feeling...so after feeling like a horrible person for wasting an entire day when I have a huge to do list and a dress to finish I tried to figure out why do I do this to myself?

I think the times I've done this all line up with periods where I'm feeing huge uncertainty and anxiety. Today specifically I was hiding from the healthcare ruling. Do I have a huge pre-existing condition? not yet? well other than a uterus. But Rob has depression, and it IS a hugely big problem in our life If he lost coverage because if it I'm not sure how he would function. 

But I'm also a 33 year old woman who wanted to be a parent, have financial stability and feel like I was contributing to the world...so I'm struggling to find my place. What will not being a mother be like for me? Do I want to move to MA to be with my nieces? Do I want to tell Rob to move to LA in the hopes of him succeeding in an impossible career and him being happy?...yeah I guess no wonder I like to pretend I don't exist in another world sometimes....although that doesn't help this dress get finished. I guess it's 8pm now and I should eat something and try to sew a little. 

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