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I'm celebrating tiny victories
May. 2nd, 2020 10:47 pmI have always been someone who struggled with motivation. but if I'm honest with myself the downturn started on a certain night in November 2016...it did get a bit better when I started my current job and Rob was working so money wasn't as tight but I still had this deep sadness that such a large part of my country just didn't have my world view. Things that seem so obvious to me: we don't sexually assault women, BLM, wealth inequality...just don't to other people.
And then the pandemic hit and I've been going to work and being super functional there, then coming home and being a giant blob of humanity as my house gets dirtier and dirtier. I don't mean like "clutter" as yes there's clutter but there's just dirt on the floors, cob webs in the corner and I'm pretty sure that clump of dog hair just threatened me to a show down. I've been having consistent nightmares for the last week and a half that someone shows up and sees my house and oh god how mortifying that I am a child who can't pick up after herself. It doesn't help that I live with another child who won't help and a child who also really struggles with motivation.
But I'm trying to say to myself that enough is enough and small progresses must be made. It's hugely overwhelming if I say "today you must clean the whole house" but I'm going to say "tonight the house must be cleaner than when you woke up" (I also struggle with the garden suddenly exploding with weeds and feeling overwhelmed). So today I loaded up the dishwasher and ran it first thing, mind you there are more than one load worth of dishes but we started there. Then I sat for a while and then I got up and folded all the clean laundry in the laundry basket, then the clean laundry in the dryer. I switched the laundry over that I started yesterday and started antoher load. Then I just started to clean up that one corner of the bedroom where all the dirty clothes are piled, and there was a chair for some reason and a suitcase. This suitcase has been moved from house to house always full of "Rob's stuff" and never unpacked. Today we unpacked it. It was packed in 2005 when he left Arizona and moved back to PA. We found condoms that expired in 2006, his high school tighty whiteys, an MP3 player that holds 9 songs (still works too, fun view into his musical tastes), a pile of clothes I threw out, and a camera magazine from 2004 with some truly delightful ads. I felt guilty that I wasnt' finding a fabric recycling for the clothes but...here's the thing I always say I'll start a goodwill pile or a yard sale pile and then they just all merge into a mess on the floor that never goes anywhere. I needed it out.
Anyway we then walked the dog and I weed wacked the paths in the veggie garden. They were just reaching "reasonable people would weed wack this" vs my normal "it's a jungle and over whelms me and TOO LATE" so I was really proud of myself for doing that. (Rob actually finished while I weeded so I felt extra productive). After dinner and a zoom scatagories with my Aunt/Uncle/cousin I was sitting here feeling anxious and antsy so...I got up and hoovered. When I emptied it to start it was full of pine needles....I hadn't vacuumed since taking down the Christmas tree. I am a horrible human. I vacuumed the dining room on my way TOO the bedroom and filled the canister once. Then that corner of our bedroom which suddenly now feels CLEAN. I did around the windows and the cobwebs on the wall and the furry blades of the ceiling fan. and filled the canister again. I don't feel less antsy or anxious but...the bedroom definitely is cleaner than when I woke up so small victories.
And then the pandemic hit and I've been going to work and being super functional there, then coming home and being a giant blob of humanity as my house gets dirtier and dirtier. I don't mean like "clutter" as yes there's clutter but there's just dirt on the floors, cob webs in the corner and I'm pretty sure that clump of dog hair just threatened me to a show down. I've been having consistent nightmares for the last week and a half that someone shows up and sees my house and oh god how mortifying that I am a child who can't pick up after herself. It doesn't help that I live with another child who won't help and a child who also really struggles with motivation.
But I'm trying to say to myself that enough is enough and small progresses must be made. It's hugely overwhelming if I say "today you must clean the whole house" but I'm going to say "tonight the house must be cleaner than when you woke up" (I also struggle with the garden suddenly exploding with weeds and feeling overwhelmed). So today I loaded up the dishwasher and ran it first thing, mind you there are more than one load worth of dishes but we started there. Then I sat for a while and then I got up and folded all the clean laundry in the laundry basket, then the clean laundry in the dryer. I switched the laundry over that I started yesterday and started antoher load. Then I just started to clean up that one corner of the bedroom where all the dirty clothes are piled, and there was a chair for some reason and a suitcase. This suitcase has been moved from house to house always full of "Rob's stuff" and never unpacked. Today we unpacked it. It was packed in 2005 when he left Arizona and moved back to PA. We found condoms that expired in 2006, his high school tighty whiteys, an MP3 player that holds 9 songs (still works too, fun view into his musical tastes), a pile of clothes I threw out, and a camera magazine from 2004 with some truly delightful ads. I felt guilty that I wasnt' finding a fabric recycling for the clothes but...here's the thing I always say I'll start a goodwill pile or a yard sale pile and then they just all merge into a mess on the floor that never goes anywhere. I needed it out.
Anyway we then walked the dog and I weed wacked the paths in the veggie garden. They were just reaching "reasonable people would weed wack this" vs my normal "it's a jungle and over whelms me and TOO LATE" so I was really proud of myself for doing that. (Rob actually finished while I weeded so I felt extra productive). After dinner and a zoom scatagories with my Aunt/Uncle/cousin I was sitting here feeling anxious and antsy so...I got up and hoovered. When I emptied it to start it was full of pine needles....I hadn't vacuumed since taking down the Christmas tree. I am a horrible human. I vacuumed the dining room on my way TOO the bedroom and filled the canister once. Then that corner of our bedroom which suddenly now feels CLEAN. I did around the windows and the cobwebs on the wall and the furry blades of the ceiling fan. and filled the canister again. I don't feel less antsy or anxious but...the bedroom definitely is cleaner than when I woke up so small victories.
