robinsnest | Entries tagged with state of me

Lets see highlight of the day has been weeding away at the flower beds and pulling out a clump of poison ivy. I am sometimes glad that nurses learn about taking things off carefully. I stripped off gloves, all clothing and shoes. I washed very well with soap and water and then added a layer of hydrocortisone for my psychosomatic itching. I've had one possible poison ivy rash in the past but I'd like to avoid finding out if I'm truly sensitive too it....I mean I'd be surprised if I wasn't as I have stupid sensitive skin that reacts to normal weeds. thus I wear gloves when I weed.

Otherwise things are fine. I'm officially a supervisor at work and the first thing I had to do was report someone for possible abuse. which now all her friends are claiming I made up...because THAT would be SO fun to do to myself. She's been rough around the edges with the kids a lot lately so I'm not sure how no one saw this coming. It's been a fun part of being promoted. *insert eyeroll* My last two shifts I actually had to work the floor due to being short staffed so it still feels much the same

I have a youtube video to edit or a blog post to write about my Edwardian-shirt-waist-in-a-day project. I'm pleased with how it came out but it makes me want to make another one in calico with a nice work skirt and apron and..I dunno shell peas? the whole end of the world has really brought out my Little House dreams of childhood. My sister just got chickens too, but Rob won't eat the eggs owing to his OCD so it seems silly to have chickens. Maybe a goat?

I'm kinda feeling stuck on the youtube editing because...It sounds vain but the person on that footage is not what the person in my head looks like and I find that really...hard? It's not like I wouldn't think it was lovely on a stranger, but all I see is 5 chins and 'what happened to my youth' 'where did all those wrinkles come from?' and in some really really really convoluted way it ties back to our fertility struggles and "well I'm an old lady now, guess this is what my life will always look like"

Lets try

brickhousewench 's five happy things
1. Rob is mowing the lawn. with his history of mental health struggles any time he can just do normal chores without it being a struggle for him I celebrate the victory
2. It's a beautiful cool breezy day as I write this on the patio
3. I'm not unemployed which such a huge swathe of humanity is
4. My beautiful niece turned FIVE yesterday which also means I've been a nurse 5 years.
5. It's memorial day and I haven't had to put the AC in yet! yay lower carbon footprint.

Current Mood: itchy
Crossposts: https://sewloud.livejournal.com/295134.html

I have always been someone who struggled with motivation. but if I'm honest with myself the downturn started on a certain night in November 2016...it did get a bit better when I started my current job and Rob was working so money wasn't as tight but I still had this deep sadness that such a large part of my country just didn't have my world view. Things that seem so obvious to me: we don't sexually assault women, BLM, wealth inequality...just don't to other people.

And then the pandemic hit and I've been going to work and being super functional there, then coming home and being a giant blob of humanity as my house gets dirtier and dirtier. I don't mean like "clutter" as yes there's clutter but there's just dirt on the floors, cob webs in the corner and I'm pretty sure that clump of dog hair just threatened me to a show down. I've been having consistent nightmares for the last week and a half that someone shows up and sees my house and oh god how mortifying that I am a child who can't pick up after herself. It doesn't help that I live with another child who won't help and a child who also really struggles with motivation.

But I'm trying to say to myself that enough is enough and small progresses must be made. It's hugely overwhelming if I say "today you must clean the whole house" but I'm going to say "tonight the house must be cleaner than when you woke up" (I also struggle with the garden suddenly exploding with weeds and feeling overwhelmed). So today I loaded up the dishwasher and ran it first thing, mind you there are more than one load worth of dishes but we started there. Then I sat for a while and then I got up and folded all the clean laundry in the laundry basket, then the clean laundry in the dryer. I switched the laundry over that I started yesterday and started antoher load. Then I just started to clean up that one corner of the bedroom where all the dirty clothes are piled, and there was a chair for some reason and a suitcase. This suitcase has been moved from house to house always full of "Rob's stuff" and never unpacked. Today we unpacked it. It was packed in 2005 when he left Arizona and moved back to PA. We found condoms that expired in 2006, his high school tighty whiteys, an MP3 player that holds 9 songs (still works too, fun view into his musical tastes), a pile of clothes I threw out, and a camera magazine from 2004 with some truly delightful ads. I felt guilty that I wasnt' finding a fabric recycling for the clothes but...here's the thing I always say I'll start a goodwill pile or a yard sale pile and then they just all merge into a mess on the floor that never goes anywhere. I needed it out.

Anyway we then walked the dog and I weed wacked the paths in the veggie garden. They were just reaching "reasonable people would weed wack this" vs my normal "it's a jungle and over whelms me and TOO LATE" so I was really proud of myself for doing that. (Rob actually finished while I weeded so I felt extra productive). After dinner and a zoom scatagories with my Aunt/Uncle/cousin I was sitting here feeling anxious and antsy so...I got up and hoovered. When I emptied it to start it was full of pine needles....I hadn't vacuumed since taking down the Christmas tree. I am a horrible human. I vacuumed the dining room on my way TOO the bedroom and filled the canister once. Then that corner of our bedroom which suddenly now feels CLEAN. I did around the windows and the cobwebs on the wall and the furry blades of the ceiling fan. and filled the canister again. I don't feel less antsy or anxious but...the bedroom definitely is cleaner than when I woke up so small victories.

Current Mood: anxious
Crossposts: https://sewloud.livejournal.com/294814.html

I'm feeling the blahs here. I tried to call out of work today because yesterday I went from "lingering cold symptoms for 6 weeks" to "my sinuses are going to explode and I can't breathe" but someone ELSE called out first so the best they could do is let me come in at 3. blah.

went to the doctor this morning. very unsympathetic. it's probably viral. probably picked up a secondary virus. you COULD try a steroid inhaler and an antibiotic...she'll send them but probably won't make a difference and I don't want to take them if I don't need them and I DO feel significant improvement today so I'll probably wait it out. blah.

didn't get a fraction of my sewing done for this weekend so I only have the two outfits. blah.

I didn't sew at all last night but managed to get the bottom edge of my stay binding halfway on the first side (which I Find harder) before the doctor. so it's 1/4 of the way finished? (top edge is fully don) blah.

I should pack or clean or sew before work at 3. blah

Amanda is coming tonight and my house is a mess. blah.

I didn't finish a cloak and I don't even know where my old ratty one is blah.

Oh and Rob can't come to Williamsburg now because last week Ellie got a hole in her leg and is in a cone and really requires a lot of attention and he won't like the lectures anyway blaaaaaah

I want a hug.

Current Mood: blah
Crossposts: https://sewloud.livejournal.com/292643.html

I didn't manage to sew at all after my 3 long days...somehow this past weekend kicked my butt (every other weekend I work three 12 hours shifts in a row) and I just vegged after work.

But yesterday I DID make progress...a little...mostly socialized but a wee bit of sewing was done. I went to Amanda's for ~~sewing day~~ attempt to play with Pip day and be rejected. I did manage to finish one of the back side eyelets...so 1/4 of the total O.O

I also picked up from Amanda my bright red wool for 18th century cloak that I'm JAZZED about and spent a fair amount of time pondering how to make it and testing "rantering" on my wool. It will work! now I COULD just cut it all in one piece and have no seams and it will go heck faster but....cool period technique is cool! I guess we'll see if I've started it the day before the event :-p

Today I'm working at my PRN job 5-8 which you wouldn't think majorly messes up your productivity but somehow it does. Oh and we have to drive all the way down town today to pick up an antique traveling writing desk Rob bought me for a song that I'm SUPER EXCITED ABOUT...so yeah I probably won't get the rest of Christmas taken down today or much sewing...and I'm going to my sister's this weekend to help her move...*gulp* I'm starting to feel the panic.

Current Mood: hopeful
Crossposts: https://sewloud.livejournal.com/292130.html

whoops haven't posted in ages...the Christmas season has been hard for me this year. More clearly I can see the chances of us having kids dimming and that makes a lot of it feel like "why bother" why have Christmas traditions if there's no one to pass them too, why does it matter? I barely managed the basics of presents for family and a tree. Rob was very helpful but he just doesn't have the sadness I do so to some extent he's left bewildered. But we made it through. My family came down the weekend after and I had a wonderful time being with them and those girls are just a hoot. I can't believe they're 7 and 5 already. Where does the time go?!

But please be impressed with my Christmas dinner part 2. I made a beef roast and it turned out perfectly! I was so proud of myself!

I can already tell we have passed the solstice as I feel the dark lessening. I love turning the corner to longer days. I'm so sun driven. And I now get the glory of a clean house to enjoy. My mom as a present cleaned my embarrassingly filthy fridge to brand new status, I got the bathroom sparkling and had to clean the sewing room for the girls to sleep in. I know I'm coming out of my depression because on a rainy disgusting day, instead of curling up and watching hallmark movies all day I went upstairs and excavated my sewing table so I could start another project. Mind you I didn't get as far as sewing but I did get as far as a clean space to do it in.

I also decided I wanted a regency outing so I'm going to wrangle whoever wants to go to Emma in February which will be fun. I want to make a new wool spencer and ruffly chemisette and an apron front dress.

I also want to go to Williamsburg in the beginning of February for their fashion weekend, need to get in touch with my MIL about the time share again...I really really need new stays. I wanted to use the Augusta Stays pattern...I should probably start sewing if I'm going to do 1/10th of this.

Crossposts: https://sewloud.livejournal.com/290851.html

I'm struggling a little. Not in the "I can't function" way more in the "I'm having trouble getting off my butt to do more than the most basic levels of function" I just had a string of days off and did I do any of the things I really should have done? like the pile of dishes, the mountain of laundry or the hefty list of sewing due before the YVD? um...I did two hoops worth of embroidery and cut out a set of stays...so not enough. at this rate I'll be at the YVD in absolutely nothing new.

oh and I've been eating so much junk food WHILE sitting on my butt that I'm frankly afraid to step on a scale.

*sigh* basically I want a hug I guess...and tomorrow I start my 3 day slog of 3- 12 hour shifts in a row.