alone is great until it turns to lonely
Jun. 26th, 2002 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
robinsnestI haven't really updated this with any serious thoughts in a long time. I'm going to assume that the People I'm about to write about don't read this, if they do welcome to my head. okay I'm gonna assume no one reads this and write anyway.
first thought of the day: "alone is great till it turns to lonely" sounds like a song lyric doesn't it? maybe someday I'll write that poem and see what develops in the mean time here's why I write that. This morning on the phone with tom i was suddenly blown away by this urge to tell him that I missed and him and wish we could go back to the way things where and ask him why he stopped loving me. but I didn't and I'm proud of the fact I didn't. I didn't realize until that moment how sick i am of being surrounded by budding romance and feeling like I'm always the one left out. How is it there are people who can afford to not break up with their boyfriends until they have a new one in line? Frankly that's ridiculously insecure and makes me sick perhaps also jealous. I've never had that opportunity and I don't expect to. why is it there are girls who aren't that much prettier than me, smarter than me or funnier than me and yet I'm always the one sitting alone listening to everyone else talk about their relationships? I realyl don't understand it. I'm glad I ddin't bring up any of this stuff with tom for two reasons the first being of course he doesn't love me anymore, and i'm not really in love wtih him either I don't want tom I just don't want to always be sitting alone. most of the time it doesn't bother me but everyone has a point beyond which they have to cry.
2. it hurts me when i'm trying to open up to someoen and they suddenly decide to go to bed, if I listen to your shit and am a friend to you I think you should listen to me. okay I worded that harshly i just hate feeling like I'm not really being listend to. just kinda put up with.
3. I feel pathetic I suddenly had an urge to talk to a male friend of mine who realyl doesn't know me that well but for some reason doesn't make me feel nearly as ignored as most of my friends here...damn he was away...and i feel pathetic for signing on looking for him.
4. chris is a god for saving my computer
5. a while back a friend of mine left me a response to a livejournal entry and having been musing over what to say in response I have failed until now to respone that is not because of neglect merely because i am a chronic overthinker (nothing new there) anyway this is what I have to say "Emily I don't know what happend really it just did. and Yes I do think we should reconnect get to know each other again, I imagine we both have changed a lot in almost two years, I'd like to meet who you are now" a lot of thinking for such a short response but wording is everything...how'd i do?
6. I've decided the one major plus to the dig is even while I'm the youngest and most inexperienced there everyone is mature and it's hard work and I feel great after putting in a full day there. mature people rock.
7. I've decided i HATE IT when I say i feel alone and hurt and someone say's "you'll meet the perfect guy someday" okay I don't want the perfect guy I don't want to get married or any of that shit, I want to be loved, and youk now what sometimes a friends love is all I need or comfort not some clique over used line dished out to avoid having to think about what I said.
8...I think that's all I had to say...
first thought of the day: "alone is great till it turns to lonely" sounds like a song lyric doesn't it? maybe someday I'll write that poem and see what develops in the mean time here's why I write that. This morning on the phone with tom i was suddenly blown away by this urge to tell him that I missed and him and wish we could go back to the way things where and ask him why he stopped loving me. but I didn't and I'm proud of the fact I didn't. I didn't realize until that moment how sick i am of being surrounded by budding romance and feeling like I'm always the one left out. How is it there are people who can afford to not break up with their boyfriends until they have a new one in line? Frankly that's ridiculously insecure and makes me sick perhaps also jealous. I've never had that opportunity and I don't expect to. why is it there are girls who aren't that much prettier than me, smarter than me or funnier than me and yet I'm always the one sitting alone listening to everyone else talk about their relationships? I realyl don't understand it. I'm glad I ddin't bring up any of this stuff with tom for two reasons the first being of course he doesn't love me anymore, and i'm not really in love wtih him either I don't want tom I just don't want to always be sitting alone. most of the time it doesn't bother me but everyone has a point beyond which they have to cry.
2. it hurts me when i'm trying to open up to someoen and they suddenly decide to go to bed, if I listen to your shit and am a friend to you I think you should listen to me. okay I worded that harshly i just hate feeling like I'm not really being listend to. just kinda put up with.
3. I feel pathetic I suddenly had an urge to talk to a male friend of mine who realyl doesn't know me that well but for some reason doesn't make me feel nearly as ignored as most of my friends here...damn he was away...and i feel pathetic for signing on looking for him.
4. chris is a god for saving my computer
5. a while back a friend of mine left me a response to a livejournal entry and having been musing over what to say in response I have failed until now to respone that is not because of neglect merely because i am a chronic overthinker (nothing new there) anyway this is what I have to say "Emily I don't know what happend really it just did. and Yes I do think we should reconnect get to know each other again, I imagine we both have changed a lot in almost two years, I'd like to meet who you are now" a lot of thinking for such a short response but wording is everything...how'd i do?
6. I've decided the one major plus to the dig is even while I'm the youngest and most inexperienced there everyone is mature and it's hard work and I feel great after putting in a full day there. mature people rock.
7. I've decided i HATE IT when I say i feel alone and hurt and someone say's "you'll meet the perfect guy someday" okay I don't want the perfect guy I don't want to get married or any of that shit, I want to be loved, and youk now what sometimes a friends love is all I need or comfort not some clique over used line dished out to avoid having to think about what I said.
8...I think that's all I had to say...
"the People I'm about to write about don't read this"
Date: 2002-07-01 09:41 pm (UTC)i finally read that entry
a little surprised and nervous weither (i still cant spell its what happens when you lose your wisdom teeth i tell you) you'll like who ive turned into. nonetheless it cant hurt to talk or do something. it will help with the bordum thing somehow. and if we decide we are two compleltly different people that have nothing to share anymore we will both be able to continue on not wondering hey i wonder what ever happened to that girl i was so close with in high school. or at least i will. it could be a little bit of closure or a new door to open, or like ive learned, it will probably be something inbetween, because life is never black and white and that easy to figure out. you have to deal with that middle ground every so often.