sadness

Found out this morning that Gramps had a stroke. He seems to be sort of stable now, what I got from Mom, via my Uncle, is that his vitals are still "erratic." they've been talking about what his wishes are should he cardiac arrest. This is not a huge shock as he's been in a.fib since June, it was only a matter of time till he threw a clot. When it first happened he apparently lost all speech and one side of his face was drooping. They got him to the ED right away and following a clot buster has regained some speech but it's very slurred and he can't close one side of his mouth. I cringe to think how confused he is. as the last hospitalization cause a precipitous decline in his dementia.

There is nothing harder than watching someone who was always so strong, in control and a fixture in my life decline so rapidly. My wish for him is comfort. He's been nothing but miserable since going into a.fib, angry and tired and feeling "trapped." He's aware that he can't remember anything (like where he lives) and very angry at himself and the world for it.  Despite knowing this was coming, knowing in my nursing brain it was going to be months not years before something major happened and everything changed...I just feel sad.

I'm so increadibly blessed to have not really lost anyone close to me, and I'm 33! What an amazing gift...I have no idea how to do this. I kept bursting into tears at work, and realizing I was aimlessly pacing...I can't wait to see my friends this weekend. I need to be reminded that life is a cycle and where there is saddness there is also Joy.