it's official

it's official whenever I find something great I'm really kidding myself...
so last night somehow after having the most wonderful day ever I ended up having the night from hell...
so jose's "in love" with this girl he knows, sort of, from home. they had a two week fling, then talked online, then met for two hours at an air port. I guess it's really nice to know that I'm not nearly as good as someone he's known for two weeks and two hours. and yes she did know him first yes she was his "first love" but it hink love is bullshit it's a concept we use to justify our desires to be naked with someone. fuck you, make love to you, bang you, they all sound pretty vulgar to me now, and i didn't used to feel that way. but then i hadn't been told before, i love you but i feel like i'm cheating on her. since they were completely a couple and all...::Sigh:: a HUGE part of me really really wants to fight for this, I want this to work, but a part of me asks is it worth it. is it worth the heart ache he'll put me through to avoid hurting me? slowly making me hate him till we can't be friends? i'm not even sure we can be friends now
chris made a very interesting observation, jose seems more concerned with his own feelings, his guilt over hurting me, than the fact that i am hurting. he'd rather nurse his wounds and think about himself...just when i think we've all outgrown our selfcentered phases...example last night i passed out, blacked out, fainted...not sure the diffrence between them, so I'm suddenly on the floor, don't know how the hell i got there, my heads all groggy and jose figures out i'm awake goes "i can't deal with this anymore" and gets in bed...and he claims to love me..what does he do to the people he hates? once he realized i really wasn't okay, i kept trying to stand and have to sit down, he got more concerned, tried to walk me too my room but i refused. i walk away from everything on my own two feet. He's in love with a dream, and his ears are shut to me, i can yell and cry all i want he's not listening. He's trying to avoid hurting me, as if turning his back and avoiding my eyes doesn't hurt me more.

A perfect girl
Sweet and soft
Gently brushing her hair from
Her face
Laughter of music
Soothing and floating
Two hours of perfection
Anyone can do
Weave her spell around
Deftly weaving through
Sewing a heart shut
Barred against the future
"In Love" with a ghost
a fleeting image of never
who could compete with that.


so once again i'm the single girl trying to remember why she ever bothered with boys. i don't mind being hurt, but i hate being used for someones selfgratifying pity.

it's official

it's official whenever I find something great I'm really kidding myself...
so last night somehow after having the most wonderful day ever I ended up having the night from hell...
so jose's "in love" with this girl he knows, sort of, from home. they had a two week fling, then talked online, then met for two hours at an air port. I guess it's really nice to know that I'm not nearly as good as someone he's known for two weeks and two hours. and yes she did know him first yes she was his "first love" but it hink love is bullshit it's a concept we use to justify our desires to be naked with someone. fuck you, make love to you, bang you, they all sound pretty vulgar to me now, and i didn't used to feel that way. but then i hadn't been told before, i love you but i feel like i'm cheating on her. since they were completely a couple and all...::Sigh:: a HUGE part of me really really wants to fight for this, I want this to work, but a part of me asks is it worth it. is it worth the heart ache he'll put me through to avoid hurting me? slowly making me hate him till we can't be friends? i'm not even sure we can be friends now
chris made a very interesting observation, jose seems more concerned with his own feelings, his guilt over hurting me, than the fact that i am hurting. he'd rather nurse his wounds and think about himself...just when i think we've all outgrown our selfcentered phases...example last night i passed out, blacked out, fainted...not sure the diffrence between them, so I'm suddenly on the floor, don't know how the hell i got there, my heads all groggy and jose figures out i'm awake goes "i can't deal with this anymore" and gets in bed...and he claims to love me..what does he do to the people he hates? once he realized i really wasn't okay, i kept trying to stand and have to sit down, he got more concerned, tried to walk me too my room but i refused. i walk away from everything on my own two feet. He's in love with a dream, and his ears are shut to me, i can yell and cry all i want he's not listening. He's trying to avoid hurting me, as if turning his back and avoiding my eyes doesn't hurt me more.

A perfect girl
Sweet and soft
Gently brushing her hair from
Her face
Laughter of music
Soothing and floating
Two hours of perfection
Anyone can do
Weave her spell around
Deftly weaving through
Sewing a heart shut
Barred against the future
"In Love" with a ghost
a fleeting image of never
who could compete with that.


so once again i'm the single girl trying to remember why she ever bothered with boys. i don't mind being hurt, but i hate being used for someones selfgratifying pity.