we're still alive

[robinsnest]

 hmm haven't posted in a while, bad me. Although I have been reading a lot? we're still kicking. In some ways it's not really that different here, Rob's got zero work for the foreseeable future, which isn't THAT abnormal for him if I'm honest. He goes very hot and cold. I've stopped being at my second job due to the fact no one is going to the doctor if they can at all avoid it and they asked me to not come in to save payroll. But I was on the verge of saying "I think my risk of exposure at a doctor's office is too high to risk bringing to my main job kids" anyway so it was a win win. For those who missed it I'm an RN at a facility for medically complex kids, most are on Vents or trachs. So far we've kept Covid away from the kids, but I fear it's only a matter of time till a staff member gets sick and brings it inside. It will be catastrophic when it does. 

The general anxiety of the world is starting to get to both of us, Rob's OCD is in fine form (it's germ based....feel bad for him). My response to stress, anxiety and quarantine is unfortunately NOT one of productivity. It's definitely more of a blanket-over-my-head kind. I've been making videos for my youtube channel as a distraction but not really sewing or cleaning or that much productive. Rob has been good about poking us to go out into the garden and work so at least there's that. Today we found half of the garden path that I thought was 12" of bricks and is actually like 36" wide. 

I felt too unsettled to edit video tonight and Rob is super nicely just doing it. I keep saying it can wait, but I think he's enjoying the creative outlet too. 

The weirdest part of Covid-19 is that I feel a fair amount of survivor guilt that I'm a nurse with vent experience and I'm NOT on the front lines, I'm not saving lives or risking mine. I'm not standing in front of cars of idiots or doing anything to really help. Yes my kids would need a nurse either way and no I shouldn't risk bringing it to them but....I could be doing more. 

Comments

[marianme]

Hurrah - you are here! Today, I was buying teas online and saw a strange name in my shipping address. It was you from a few years ago. What a nice coincidence.

[mala_14]

Hi! I, like you, have been reading and not posting as well as being not very productive. So I feel you. Nice to hear from you. It sucks to have those guilty feelings. Brains are silly like that. After all, you're doing an important job. It's just a different one.

[howlgirl]

Your kids need YOU. You know them, and their individual needs, and they need you to support them.

[brickhousewench]

I've tried to limit my time on Facebook, but the part that is helpful is my friends who post memes about how we all need to just stop comparing ourselves to others. And how people urging us to use all that "extra time" we have to do something (learn some new skill, whatever) are basically bad for our collective mental health because this whole situation is not like a snow day or a vacation.

I know some people are dealing with the current situation by being productive on a manic level and others who are so depressed they're almost catatonic. I think if we all manage to feed and dress ourselves and show up for work, we're contributing. AND THAT'S ENOUGH.

The hardest part of my day is constantly reminding myself that I do not have to do more. I am enough. (And you are too!)